Just UGH In GENERAL!!

[JusticarJenneca]

UGH!!!! I just do not know what to do ANYMORE! I am so FRUSTRATED with EVERYTHING, and I HATE this Feeling! I am frustrated with the lack of job prospects here. I am frustrated with ITW's selective memory. I am frustrated with Social Security because they keep turning my husband down even though he has a debilitating disease that will NEVER get better. I am frustrated with the health care system in the U.S.! I am frustrated with ITW's lack of interest in life and trying. I am frustrated with myself and my own problems that not only affect ME but also affect MY FAMILY. I feel like someone caught in a downward spiral as I am sure anyone who has read my recent poetry has figured out because it has been some SERIOUSLY DARK SHIT RECENTLY! I want to find some way to be productive and an asset to my family, and being here in Danville is not helping. There is NOTHING here. I worked at Walmart until November 2nd, and when I got fired they said it was because I pointed out. I had a damned flat tire on the way to work for a short shift. I know I didn't point out, but I didn't fight it. WHY? because I was just so TIRED. I wish I had now. I just hate feeling so damned useless and helpless. It sucks!!! I want control over my life again, and I am sick of the bull shit. Where in the hell did all my control go? I hate this. I hate this life. I hate losing my husband to a disease I don't know how to fight, and in his case it's worse than just the Parkinson's because he seems to be losing what makes him, him too. It looks like he is developing dementia on top of the PD, and STILL he gets denied Social Security. Maybe he should claim he's crazy. Hell, he might get the damned Social Security then. It's all so pointless. Life is just so POINTLESS SOMETIMES!!!!! I hate myself. I hate my life, and SOMETIMES I hate my family. All of them except my kids, and I love all four of them with all my heart, but I get tired of them too! Sometimes I think I could take my own life and be done with all of it, but then I think of my kids, and ITW, and my mom, and my friends like nightshade and seeker who might as well be family because I would be lost 100 % LOST without them. Nightshade tends to be my rock in bad times, and I'd like to think I am hers too at times. She is one of the only peeps I can admit to some of the TRULY stupid shit I do. I hate myself for being such a coward!!! I am the biggest coward I know, and I am blind! I am blinded by love. Blinded by the fact that I love a man that used to be a lot more than he is, and even though he's not the same, I still love him more than almost anything, and at times I wonder why? It makes me so angry, and it's so confusing, but I still just can't picture a life without ITW. He's a part of my soul. I feel so CHEATED by FATE! It's just NOT FAIR!! It's not fair! Not to me, and not to my children whose daddy should get to be a daddy and not a vegetable by 50.
I wonder sometimes, am I a fool, or just too loving?

Okay, I think I have vented enough for now. I am crying, but I feel a bit better!

Anyone who wants to comment, feel free, and tell me what you really think! Don't sugar coat it and try to spare my feelings because that would just piss me off more and make me more unnerved. I welcome real advice, criticism and/or support. Hell, tell me I'm a retard if that's what you really think. I probably deserve it.

Love you guys, and thanks for listening/reading.

Love and Hugs,
JJ

[Morgalis]

JJ

In all of the years - yes years!!! - that I have known you, you have never given up.

You have a lot of struggles, challenges and hurdles you have had to face. The love of your life is slipping away from you and the govt doesn't want to help. When you try to take time for you, others think you are selfish. You struggle for your kids and all you want to do is love them, teach them to be responsible citizens and have them in your life. You are so responsible. You manage everything. You take whatever comes your way and you get on with it.

Creativity is such a great vent for you. Your words flow as your thoughts spill onto paper, trying to make sense of what is currently on your plate. And there is always something there. A way to vent, a way to make sense, a way to ensure you are not losing touch with your sanity!

There are people that think their lives are so terrible, and when I share your story, it is almost as if they are shamed for thinking their lives were so tough. You have been an inspiration to people you don't know and those here that you do.

There's no criticism from me JJ. I believe in you. I'm proud to know you. Thank you for sharing your story of never ending determination and for the inspiration to never give up

[Cas]

Originally Posted by JusticarJenneca

Love you guys, and thanks for listening/reading.

Love and Hugs,
JJ

We'll (at least I'll) be here reading / listening to you too! Even though that post hurt my old eyes

Patience. That's all we can wish for. Sometimes it feels good to yell at the clouds just because they up there. Of course in a open field with no one around is usually best

[JusticarJenneca]

Sometimes it feels good to yell at the clouds just because they up there. Of course in a open field with no one around is usually best

Yeah I am already questioning my own sanity. I don't need other people questioning it too. LoL

[Golf Guru]

Heh yea we're always listening JJ....vent all you need to.

Never, ever give up though...the world doesn't deserve that...

[MomS]

late but what ever he has better chance here of ssd and you have better chance here come and visiit and if nothing else scam the hell outta the state when i move use my address and get some help here and me forward it there hello call me if you aint got number ill call you i got a free ride not that it helped me but in less than a year im about to have housing on dis holla

[flic]

Is it weird that this is prolly the most beautiful thing I have read in years?

Thing I liked the most, was, I could feel your pain, feel the sadness, then, feel the strength.

It's like, you vented, dried your tears, took a deep breath and got back on the saddle again.

I'm in awe.

Truly.

[Morgalis]

Originally Posted by flic

I'm in awe.

I totally agree